Alone. How do people have the ability to make me feel like I am alone? I am fully surrounded. By family, by my friends. But I am entirely alone. I feel un-supported, like I am doubted, like I am being taken for granted. I am not a token you throw into a machine when you need a good fortune, or a game to keep your mind at peace. I am not a book that you can open and read, and expect to be content with when you’ve gotten what you wanted. I am here for support, friendship, and love. I will fully support your decisions, as long as they are intelligent and lack anything short of addicting substances. I will be your best friend, I will be your friend in need. I will love you thoroughly, I will never judge you, I will be open up to you and allow you to open up to me. After being depressed for so long, it’s nice to be in the light. But this “light” is different, and weird. It’s something that I haven’t gotten a full hand on knowing how to control it, or knowing what I am experiencing. There are so many judgmental people that I just tend to lose control of my mind - I just wander and daze off into a world of my own because I don’t need your rude opinion of me. I am so nice, so genuine, I am so fucking good to people. I put my trust in those I find good. And I expect it all back. But I feel like I am being let down. I saw one side, and now I am being shoved back into some hole, into a place where that side doesn’t exist. I am having the light ripped from my eyes, this nonsense is just nothing but a mere part of my imagination that takes over my emotions. I am here for anybody, anybody in need. I will not judge, I will be open, I will be nice. I promise you that. I will try my hardest to never let you down. I don’t get too attached, but I certainly won’t push you away. I just want the same gratification that I once felt, back into my veins, and into my head. I want everything to be at peace again, I just want my friends to respect me as I respect them. I miss having a best friend. A best friend is what I need. By my side. Not judging me. But instead my friends run off with people who treat them like shit, or people who don’t like me, or they just act awkward and don’t talk to me. One thing that I have always stuck with, is “treat others how you want to be treated.” And I do. Therefore I deserve the same respect back from my fucking friends.

Alone.

How do people have the ability to make me feel like I am alone?

I am fully surrounded.

By family, by my friends.

But I am entirely alone.

I feel un-supported, like I am doubted, like I am being taken for granted.

I am not a token you throw into a machine when you need a good fortune, or a game to keep your mind at peace.

I am not a book that you can open and read, and expect to be content with when you’ve gotten what you wanted.

I am here for support, friendship, and love.

I will fully support your decisions, as long as they are intelligent and lack anything short of addicting substances. I will be your best friend, I will be your friend in need. I will love you thoroughly, I will never judge you, I will be open up to you and allow you to open up to me.

After being depressed for so long, it’s nice to be in the light.

But this “light” is different, and weird. It’s something that I haven’t gotten a full hand on knowing how to control it, or knowing what I am experiencing.

There are so many judgmental people that I just tend to lose control of my mind - I just wander and daze off into a world of my own because I don’t need your rude opinion of me.

I am so nice, so genuine, I am so fucking good to people.

I put my trust in those I find good. And I expect it all back.

But I feel like I am being let down.

I saw one side, and now I am being shoved back into some hole, into a place where that side doesn’t exist.

I am having the light ripped from my eyes, this nonsense is just nothing but a mere part of my imagination that takes over my emotions.

I am here for anybody, anybody in need.

I will not judge, I will be open, I will be nice.

I promise you that.

I will try my hardest to never let you down.

I don’t get too attached, but I certainly won’t push you away.

I just want the same gratification that I once felt, back into my veins, and into my head.

I want everything to be at peace again, I just want my friends to respect me as I respect them.

I miss having a best friend. A best friend is what I need. By my side. Not judging me.

But instead my friends run off with people who treat them like shit, or people who don’t like me, or they just act awkward and don’t talk to me.

One thing that I have always stuck with, is “treat others how you want to be treated.”

And I do.

Therefore I deserve the same respect back from my fucking friends.

maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me

maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me

I’d forgotten this feeling… the feeling of seeing someone that your stomach has butterflies for, even when you think of them. and quite frankly, I fucking love it. so, I may not know him entirely, we might not talk, but holy fucking shit. from all of my friends I’ve gotten to know him with bits and pieces, and he has the cutest smile ever. sucks though, he just started dating this girl about a month or two ago. he smiled at me yesterday, and I know I blushed x3403498348 which is why I turned away so damn quickly. I don’t necessarily think these are feelings but they’re just a little bit of infatuation? maybe? if that doesn’t sound creepy - because I’m not being a total creep about it. I just want to become friends with him, pretty much everyone I know is such good friends with him. hopefully! I just know that this feeling I love so much. there’s a little bit of a fuck feeling too, cause I mean we’re not going to date or anything, maybe we’d be acquittances or just friends… but that’s alright, I’m not asking for much, just a simple chance of getting to know him. and that’s just fine with me. I’ll be just friends with him, thats a-okay. but holy damn. 

I’d forgotten this feeling… the feeling of seeing someone that your stomach has butterflies for, even when you think of them.

and quite frankly, I fucking love it. so, I may not know him entirely, we might not talk, but holy fucking shit. from all of my friends I’ve gotten to know him with bits and pieces, and he has the cutest smile ever.

sucks though, he just started dating this girl about a month or two ago. he smiled at me yesterday, and I know I blushed x3403498348 which is why I turned away so damn quickly.

I don’t necessarily think these are feelings but they’re just a little bit of infatuation? maybe? if that doesn’t sound creepy - because I’m not being a total creep about it.

I just want to become friends with him, pretty much everyone I know is such good friends with him.

hopefully!

I just know that this feeling I love so much. there’s a little bit of a fuck feeling too, cause I mean we’re not going to date or anything, maybe we’d be acquittances or just friends… but that’s alright, I’m not asking for much, just a simple chance of getting to know him.

and that’s just fine with me. I’ll be just friends with him, thats a-okay. but holy damn. 

My best friend might like me. well, my ex-best friend. I don’t think we’re friends anymore, due to things that seem to have had happened this weekend. she might have this crazy crush on me. my therapist thinks so. my mother thinks so. my other best friend thinks so. same with my other best friend. I don’t know how I’d comprehend the situation, either… like, what am I supposed to say if she ever admits it to me? “I respect you for telling me, but I just want you to know I don’t feel the same way because I’m not into girls” ? I just… I don’t know what I’d do. I’d never date a girl. that’s all I know. girls are so much fucking drama and UGH. yeah I’d kiss a few or something, but nothing else. no dating. n o d a t i n g. that drama is horrific. my mom already said she’d accept me no matter what I was as long as I’m happy. but I’m happily straight. that’s all. nothing more, nothing less.

My best friend might like me.

well, my ex-best friend.

I don’t think we’re friends anymore, due to things that seem to have had happened this weekend.

she might have this crazy crush on me.

my therapist thinks so.

my mother thinks so.

my other best friend thinks so.

same with my other best friend.

I don’t know how I’d comprehend the situation, either… like, what am I supposed to say if she ever admits it to me?

“I respect you for telling me, but I just want you to know I don’t feel the same way because I’m not into girls” ?

I just… I don’t know what I’d do.

I’d never date a girl. that’s all I know. girls are so much fucking drama and UGH.

yeah I’d kiss a few or something, but nothing else.

no dating.

n o d a t i n g.

that drama is horrific.

my mom already said she’d accept me no matter what I was as long as I’m happy. but I’m happily straight. that’s all. nothing more, nothing less.

I want to forget that I was ever contemplating suicide. I still think about it day by day. I still sometimes want to. but I’m not going to. I wouldn’t ever give up my life and be so selfish as to do something like that. I wouldn’t ever do that. but I still think about it. my mind flips back and fourth between contemplation and regret. I don’t want to contemplate on it. or regret it. I want to forget. tonight I’ve decided that I’m never going to think of it again. I’m not going to kill myself - so why think about ever wanting to? I want to forget I ever thought of it. I want to live my life normally and let these depressed thoughts float away. I want to reveal all my thoughts to my therapist… but if I did, I’m afraid of the outcome. I do not want my parents involved. I do not want anyone else involved. I just want to vent away all of my thoughts and everything I know, I want to get this all off of my chest and try to live in some sort of peace. I refuse to take any anti-depressant. I will not at all, I never will. I don’t want to go “in-patient” somewhere. I just want to take slow steps towards healing myself and healing the wounds that I’ve created, I want to fill in the holes that have been dug out, I want to be me again. I don’t know what it feels like to be happy. I’d love to know. but, I don’t. I try to be happy, I try to never be depressed. that doesn’t ever work for me. all I know is that I want to forget my suicidal thoughts. I want to be happy. I want to be me again. I want to forget the negatives. I need to focus on the positives, and I’m not entirely sure if I can entirely do that. but I need to try. I need to make an effort. therefore I’m going to take a step forward towards some real effort. I need to fix myself.

I want to forget that I was ever contemplating suicide.

I still think about it day by day. I still sometimes want to. but I’m not going to. I wouldn’t ever give up my life and be so selfish as to do something like that. I wouldn’t ever do that.

but I still think about it. my mind flips back and fourth between contemplation and regret. I don’t want to contemplate on it. or regret it. I want to forget.

tonight I’ve decided that I’m never going to think of it again. I’m not going to kill myself - so why think about ever wanting to?

I want to forget I ever thought of it. I want to live my life normally and let these depressed thoughts float away.

I want to reveal all my thoughts to my therapist… but if I did, I’m afraid of the outcome.

I do not want my parents involved. I do not want anyone else involved.

I just want to vent away all of my thoughts and everything I know, I want to get this all off of my chest and try to live in some sort of peace.

I refuse to take any anti-depressant. I will not at all, I never will. I don’t want to go “in-patient” somewhere.

I just want to take slow steps towards healing myself and healing the wounds that I’ve created, I want to fill in the holes that have been dug out, I want to be me again.

I don’t know what it feels like to be happy. I’d love to know. but, I don’t. I try to be happy, I try to never be depressed. that doesn’t ever work for me.

all I know is that I want to forget my suicidal thoughts. I want to be happy. I want to be me again. I want to forget the negatives. I need to focus on the positives, and I’m not entirely sure if I can entirely do that.

but I need to try. I need to make an effort.

therefore I’m going to take a step forward towards some real effort. I need to fix myself.

My breath is being suffocated in between these twisted sheets. I’m lying out in the open, lying for all to see. My mind contorting back to anger and confusion. I can’t breathe in here. My hands tremble with fear of losing forever. My arms pinned down by my sides, blocking any choice of escaping. My heart tied in a knot and beating as if the time was near. I can’t hear anything but danger. Danger ringing in my ears. With each tick of the clock, everything became louder and louder. The volume of my pulse was almost deafening in between this silent room. I can’t open my mouth to scream or gasp for any sense of reality. I’m stuck in this darkened room, with one sheet, one hold on the world. One last second to spare as I see the smoke erupt in small spurts. The entire room filled with beaten clouds that torture my lungs and taunt my brain with death. The waves of oxygen slowing down and shattering into broken glass sprawled beneath my body. Endless shaking between the tips of my fingers and my now bruised knees. My knees bruised with the emptiness and the fear that I’ve been left behind. Left behind in this ragged, tortured, broken soul. The one facing you every day in the hallways. In the classrooms. In the dark. The one you stare into at every glance in the mirror.

My breath is being suffocated in between these twisted sheets. I’m lying out in the open, lying for all to see. My mind contorting back to anger and confusion. I can’t breathe in here. My hands tremble with fear of losing forever. My arms pinned down by my sides, blocking any choice of escaping. My heart tied in a knot and beating as if the time was near. I can’t hear anything but danger. Danger ringing in my ears. With each tick of the clock, everything became louder and louder. The volume of my pulse was almost deafening in between this silent room. I can’t open my mouth to scream or gasp for any sense of reality. I’m stuck in this darkened room, with one sheet, one hold on the world. One last second to spare as I see the smoke erupt in small spurts. The entire room filled with beaten clouds that torture my lungs and taunt my brain with death. The waves of oxygen slowing down and shattering into broken glass sprawled beneath my body. Endless shaking between the tips of my fingers and my now bruised knees. My knees bruised with the emptiness and the fear that I’ve been left behind. Left behind in this ragged, tortured, broken soul. The one facing you every day in the hallways. In the classrooms. In the dark. The one you stare into at every glance in the mirror.

I want to know what it’s like without being depressed. Without living your life trying to be happy and seeing nothing but grey. I’ve tried to be happy so many times. I try to be happy all of the time. And think positive thoughts. It never works. I feel so lost and out of my mind. I want to know what in the world is going on with me. I want to know how it feels without being depressed. Because I know it’ll feel good. My sister tries to tell me that depression is only a figment of your imagination, that there’s really no such thing. but she’s so far from right. I don’t care if I’m not high on life. I’m just so sick of this feeling. So sick of running around trying to be happy and smile, only to know that at the end of the day I’m going to cry like I always do. I’m going to break like I always do. I’m never going to be happy like I was. Happiness is all I want. It’s all I need. No one can tell me happiness is a choice. I used to believe that. I tried to be happy, do things for myself. I did it everyday for so long. And nothing changed. I just became worse. Everything just fit together like a puzzle but it was all lies. I refuse to take any medication for depression. I absolutely refuse. I know that’ll only make me even worse than I am now, if that’s even possible. It’ll make me selfish. And I can’t be selfish again. I can’t let myself get selfish again. I won’t do it.

I want to know what it’s like without being depressed.

Without living your life trying to be happy and seeing nothing but grey.

I’ve tried to be happy so many times.

I try to be happy all of the time.

And think positive thoughts.

It never works.

I feel so lost

and out of my mind.

I want to know what in the world is going on with me.

I want to know how it feels without being depressed.

Because I know it’ll feel good.

My sister tries to tell me that depression is only a figment of your imagination,

that there’s really no such thing.

but she’s so far from right.

I don’t care if I’m not high on life. I’m just so sick of this feeling.

So sick of running around trying to be happy and smile,

only to know that at the end of the day I’m going to cry like I always do.

I’m going to break like I always do.

I’m never going to be happy like I was.

Happiness is all I want.

It’s all I need.

No one can tell me happiness is a choice. I used to believe that. I tried to be happy, do things for myself. I did it everyday for so long. And nothing changed.

I just became worse.

Everything just fit together like a puzzle but it was all lies.

I refuse to take any medication for depression. I absolutely refuse. I know that’ll only make me even worse than I am now, if that’s even possible.

It’ll make me selfish.

And I can’t be selfish again. I can’t let myself get selfish again. I won’t do it.

Nobody understands how much those four mean to me. No one. Why? I haven’t told anybody. I don’t want to. Those four mean to me more than my mind can capture. They helped me through all of last year, which I never expected to get through. Literally. I’d be dead right now, if it weren’t for them. My body would be rotting in a grave somewhere near, my family stuck thinking about why and missing me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to thank them enough. Ever. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself enough to tell somebody what happened. Atleast anyone I know. I want to write a letter to them, thanking them. I don’t know how I’d word it. I’ll be bawling writing it, that’s all I know. And I want to give it to them, hopefully if I meet them in three weeks. if I don’t, then maybe I’ll ask their tour manager or their merch guy Vinny to give it to them. They’ve helped me realize so many things, they’ve helped me get through so many things, and I’m just so thankful. So, my life isn’t the best right now, but it’s much better than it was before. I hold my head up high and try not to let anything get me down. Their music is everything to me. I used to hate them about two years ago, but now I couldn’t love them more. I do listen to them everyday, and I don’t let memories of the past flood in my mind. I try to get myself to move on. People say they’re embarrassed by their fanbase because most of them make up fan girls - but who cares? As long as you’re a real fan and you’re in it for the music and how it fucking makes you feel, who the fuck cares about the fan girls who only want to suck their dicks? But, thank you, All Time Low, for everything you’ve done for me. I know you won’t see this now, but eventually I’m gonna give you a letter thanking you all personally. My thank you won’t be a big enough thank for everything you’ve managed to do, but I’m still grateful. Thank you so fucking much.

Nobody understands how much those four mean to me. No one.

Why? I haven’t told anybody. I don’t want to. Those four mean to me more than my mind can capture. They helped me through all of last year, which I never expected to get through.

Literally.

I’d be dead right now, if it weren’t for them. My body would be rotting in a grave somewhere near, my family stuck thinking about why and missing me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to thank them enough. Ever. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself enough to tell somebody what happened. Atleast anyone I know.

I want to write a letter to them, thanking them. I don’t know how I’d word it. I’ll be bawling writing it, that’s all I know. And I want to give it to them, hopefully if I meet them in three weeks. if I don’t, then maybe I’ll ask their tour manager or their merch guy Vinny to give it to them.

They’ve helped me realize so many things, they’ve helped me get through so many things, and I’m just so thankful. So, my life isn’t the best right now, but it’s much better than it was before. I hold my head up high and try not to let anything get me down.

Their music is everything to me. I used to hate them about two years ago, but now I couldn’t love them more. I do listen to them everyday, and I don’t let memories of the past flood in my mind. I try to get myself to move on.

People say they’re embarrassed by their fanbase because most of them make up fan girls - but who cares? As long as you’re a real fan and you’re in it for the music and how it fucking makes you feel, who the fuck cares about the fan girls who only want to suck their dicks?

But, thank you, All Time Low, for everything you’ve done for me. I know you won’t see this now, but eventually I’m gonna give you a letter thanking you all personally. My thank you won’t be a big enough thank for everything you’ve managed to do, but I’m still grateful.

Thank you so fucking much.

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY